


Permafrost

by CheekyBrunette



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-07-08
Packaged: 2017-12-18 01:46:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/874286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheekyBrunette/pseuds/CheekyBrunette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, Niall felt like permafrost. And sometimes, Zayn Malik felt like summer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Permafrost

**Author's Note:**

> I recommend reading this fic to "Permafrost" by Laurena. Or at least listening to the song at some point cause it's really awesome. So yeah.

Up in the Artic, when winter sets in, the soil becomes _cryotic._ It's temperature is below 0 °C, so cold that all the water in the dirt freezes and the ground turns to one big block of ice. The whole land becomes barren, and grey, and lonely. Nothing lives and nothing grows. Geologists call it "permafrost".

Niall bets it doesn't happen quickly. He doesn't think the soil just… _is_ frozen solid one day, like a flower dropped in liquid nitrogen. He figures it must happen slowly… that the ice creeps down from the top of the globe and inch by inch solidifies the ground. Niall knows it must ache… The cold pushing in and through. It would surely have to be painful.

Sometimes, Niall feels like permafrost.

His days grow shorter and his world grows darker. He feels colder. He feels immobile. He feels like there's frost crawling up from his fingertips and toes, freezing him into place and making it hard to be. It hurts like he thinks it might for the soil. It makes things hard, it sucks away his life, and it makes things lonely.

Today, Niall can feel the ice. He's alone. Like usual. His heart hurts. He's on the bus with the other boys, but Zayn is on the phone, and Liam is organizing global jam parties, and Louis and Harry are playing cards. Niall's in his bunk. Liam's right above him, but he feels like they're miles away.

Really, Niall just wants some attention. He's tired of the cold. But Niall isn't the best companion, especially when there are more exciting things to do like talking on the phone, organizing global jam parties, and playing cards.

The frost clamps painfully over his heart, and Niall climbs out of his bed to stand awkwardly by Liam as the other boy types furiously. "What do you want, Ni?" he asks, not taking his eyes away from the screen, and Niall doesn't know. He puts his head on the other boy's shoulder, but Liam moves away. "Dude, I'm typing. Go bug Larry," he tells him, still pounding away on the keys of his computer, and Niall doesn't know what to do.

Because now it's _that much colder_. It's that much more lonely, and it's that much more sad, and Niall needed Liam, but he was unavailable. And now Niall feels really bad for Antarctica and the tippy tops of mountains where it's never warm and there's nobody there.

He bets they feel unloved, too, and that's why they're so cold.

Niall waited for a minute, for what he wasn't sure, until it was clear that Liam was indeed _busy_ and that he should probably just leave. Sometimes, Niall felt like permafrost: unwanted and lonely.

"Vas 'appenin'?" he asked in a very _Irishy_ version of Zayn's catch phrase. Louis and Harry barely glanced at him, focusing on the cards in their hands. Niall wasn't sure they'd heard him, but didn't find what he'd said important enough to repeat, so he opted to sit down next to Louis –who was biting his tongue and concentrating very hard. Louis smacked a card down on the table.

" _Suck it_ ," he demanded, as Harry sighed and drew a card from the pile in the middle of the table. Louis then seemed to notice Niall had joined them. "Oh, dude, sorry, we're in the middle of a game," he apologized, and Niall nodded, shifting in his seat awkwardly and trying to force down the bitter cold feeling that was so intent on filling him.

"Can I play?" he asked, and Louis opened his mouth to answer as Harry threw down a card of his own.

"Ha! Now _you_ suck it!" the curly-haired boy exclaimed, and Louis furiously started drawing cards as Harry winced at him. "Sorry, bro. We're too far into it to quit now," he said sheepishly, but Niall could see something different in his eyes. That was Harry's possessive look. He wanted Louis all to himself, and that was okay. It made the frost creep a little higher and grow a little thicker, but it was okay. Niall didn't want to stick his nose where it didn't belong. He nodded and moved towards the front of the bus where Zayn had the phone up to one ear and a finger in the other, despite the silence of the bus.

He stood there for a while, waiting for Zayn to finish his conversation, but the Bradford boy didn't seem to appreciate it. "Niall, stop hovering or tell me what you want, I'm _on the phone_ ," Zayn snapped, and it was like Niall's heart had frozen solid. Encased in ice, Niall merely stumbled backwards, tripping and falling straight to the ground as the bus hit a bump.

He let out a yelp as his elbow hit the edge of the window, and before he could stop it, tears were rolling down his cheeks: sizzling against his cold. It felt like the whole bus was frozen in time for a second, like Niall's frost had spread to everything, as all four boys quickly turned to look at him.

Shit. It hadn't even hurt that badly, he just… The tears were there and ready; it just kind of happened. He couldn't bite back a sob, and Zayn swore. "Mom, I have to go, Niall just hurt himself," he said in a rush, and Niall felt useless. Zayn hadn't… he hadn't meant to, probably, but… but the way he said that made Niall feel like such a _bother_ ; he was such a _bother_. He was alone, he was alone, he was _alone_.

"I'm sorry. Oh, God, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm fine, it's fine," Niall repeated, crying but desperate for Liam, Louis, Harry, and Zayn to leave him alone. He didn't want to bug them. They didn't _want_ him. He pulled himself away from the approaching boys, away from the nervous looks that painted each of their faces. He clutched his elbow desperately, tears falling down his face faster as he tried to get them to stop. "I'm so sorry, it's fine, I'm fine."

"What's wrong Niall, did you really hurt your elbow?" Liam asked him, reaching down to pry Niall's hand from the lightly bruising joint, but Niall jerked away.

"I said I'm _fine_ ," he gasped. "I'm just… I'm _cold_ ," he choked out, and the boys very nearly _instantly_ swaddled him with blankets and cranked the heat up a couple notches. They fussed about him: their little snowflake.

"Is that better, Niall?"

"Are you warm now, Niall?"

"What else can I get you, Niall?"

"Why are you still crying, Niall?"

His bottom lip trembled, and Niall wondered if this is what the tundra feels like in the dead of winter: useless and incurable. Louis timidly put a hand on his forehead, wincing as Niall couldn't help but burst into a fresh set of tears at the touch. "Do you have a fever, Niall? You seem a little warm…" Niall shook his head, and all of a sudden he was wrapped up in Liam.

"God, Ni, you're _shaking_. You need to calm down," he commanded, but Niall could hear the tremor in his voice and the tenseness of his shoulders, and he felt guilty. He didn't want to get in the way; he was just so _alone_. He was in the way, he was in the way, he was in the way… His breathing quickened and Liam's grip grew lax. "Niall, you've got to talk to us, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I-I'm _alone_ ," he stuttered, and Harry frowned and bit his lip.

"But we're all right here, Niall," the other boy told him, confused, but Niall was stuck like a scratched record, repeating apologies over, and over, and over… He shut his eyes against his concerned friends, who were still fretting about, and cried to himself, the paralyzing permafrost settling back over him as soon as he felt alone. It wasn't until he opened his eyes that he realized he actually _was_ alone.

Well, almost.

His vision tunneled in on Zayn, who was sitting across the table from him. Niall took a shaky breath, sobs subsiding, and Zayn grabbed his hand. The other boy's fingers felt _hot_. Not burning and stinging like his tears, but _warm._ The touch cracked the ice coating Niall. Zayn offered him a smile. "Just you and me, bud," he said, filling in the gap left by Niall closing his eyes. He could hear the other boys rustling behind the door of the bus's bedroom.

Niall wrapped the blankets closer around his shoulders with his free hand despite positively _sweating_ from the heat. He watched Zayn chew at his lower lip as he waited for him to speak. Except Niall didn't have anything to say. Neither did Zayn.

"Alone is a pretty big word," Zayn said after an amiable amount of time, his bright, golden eyes flicking up to meet Niall's. Warm like the sun. A layer of ice seemed to melt away.

Niall liked spring best out of all the seasons.

"I didn't think you could feel alone while living with four other guys on a bus, plus a driver," Zayn mused, continuing as Niall fought back all the words he wanted to say. "How do you think that happens, Niall?" he asked, and the blond frowned.

"When people don't like you," he muttered, and Zayn leaned in, eyes wide.

"Sorry, what?" he asked, not having heard, and Niall huffed, pulling away from Zayn unthinkingly. The moment Zayn's fingers detached from his was the moment the ice started to regrow in and around Niall. Niall figured that this is what the ground felt like when night hit in the spring. Every time it got anywhere close to melting, the dark always came crawling back to freeze it right back up.

"How it happens? It happens when people don't like you," he rolled off, and he didn't like the face Zayn made at that. He looked pained.

"Why… why would you say that?" Zayn asked, and Niall shrugged. Like… what was there to even _say_. The dark-skinned boy stood up, and Niall thought he was leaving. As it turned out, he was doing the opposite, getting up merely to stand closer to him. "You _can't_ say that. Niall… you mean more than you could ever know to me and to all the boys," Zayn told him, grabbing his upper arm underneath all of his blankets, and Niall hated how _warm_ that felt. He shied away.

"You're always busy," he said far louder than he had wanted to, but still deathly quiet. Zayn looked at him appraisingly, surveying him for a moment before concluding,

"You feel like this often," he said decidedly. Niall tried to ignore the layers and _layers_ of frost settled in over his heart. He looked to his toes, and Zayn wrapped an arm around his shoulders, sending heat blossoming down Niall's back and through his chest. Like a sunray was going straight through him. Tears pricked at his eyes as the half hug warmed his heart.

"I'm sorry," he repeated for what was probably the billionth time. "I'm so, so sorry." Zayn wrapped another arm around him, embracing him in full now, and Niall somehow found it within himself to hold back, staring over Zayn's shoulder: scared the hug would end. Niall didn't want the dark to come back. Niall wanted Zayn.

"Don't be sorry, Niall. Don't be sorry… God, I… Shit, I yelled at you, and…" remorse dripped from Zayn's words. "I lost my place, Niall, and I'm sorry. I _should be_ sorry; I _am_ sorry. You're fine, darling, you're fine," he told him, pulling away slightly to peck Niall on the cheek before hugging him tight again. It was like a heat wave had rolled in. Niall shimmied off the rest of the blankets in favor of latching as close as possible onto Zayn.

"No, I'm just being dramatic or whatever, and-"

 _Summer_.

Niall's words were cut off as Zayn's lips connected with his own, and…

 _Summer_.

That was the only word for it. It was sunny, it was bright, it was warm. It demolished the ice encasing Niall's heart, melting him away and leaving him to reach for the sunscreen. It was warm nights, and fireflies, and living, and Zayn's mouth just tasted like _Zayn_. Niall made a mental note that if he was to be kissing Zayn in the future, he should do it midafternoon where his lips wouldn't taste like anything but himself. All too soon, the taller boy pulled away.

"I don't want you to feel alone," Zayn said. Niall laughed.

"Keep doing that, and I don't think I ever will."


End file.
